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/ 8:46 am / 16 September 2002 / woke up this morning afraid i was gonna live / first rule of college: sleep at every chance you get. and i do. i'm so much more tired than i ever have been, and i've been eating. but of course, i've never had a schedule like this. i started work, it is tiring but not hard, we're just setting up the store right now. saturday i put things on hangers for 8 hours. yesterday was the worst day in a long time i think. i was so depressed and i can't for the life of me figure out why. i still am today, though at the moment it's not as bad as it was. everythings just dark. i wish it would stop raining, stop being so grey outside. sometimes i like it grey but not today or yesterday. it just makes me want to cry. maybe i'm sad (as in seasonal affective disorder), becuase i know its kind of like this in the winter too, when its just so hopeless outside. still yesterday i went to a picnic-y thing at boyfriend's, and i know i didn't really really have to, but i also knew i wasn't going to cancel. i wanted to go and there was no way i was going to back out no matter how sucky the day was. and it was fun, or would have been. i hate saying that i didn't have fun, but i know it was just my own mood; if i had been normal it would have been a great time. so i'm hoping people didn't think i was way too out of it, because i was trying my absolute hardest not to seem like it, but at times i would still space off and look out the window or something. everyone was really really nice there and i like them, so it makes me wish even more that i had seemed happier and more energetic and all that. on days like that (and this) i can feel like i just can't be bothered for anything, but i know there are still things i have to and should do, mood or not, and so i do them and try to ignore the mood. today i am going to parallel park until i get it right, and that's it. i got to see my car up close yesterday and try it out, and i like it, it's a car and that's what matters. i just need the damn liscence, i'm starting to get pissed about not having it, driving isn't that hard and there are tons of people a lot dumber than me who do it without a problem. so why am i taking so long? because i think about it way too much and probably take it way too seriously. for gods sake i read the book over again, cover to cover. i dont care that i did that, its just an example of me thinking too hard. and when i think too hard, things go wrong. but then i can't not think enough, because thats bad too. oh well, all i need is to perfect this one thing and i'll be alright. i wish today was a happier day for me though, i have a feeling i'll get discouraged really quickly in my current mood. but i'll try. i finished 'more, now, again' and 'prozac nation' (and 'the subtle knife' too) and they're all really good. they made me think. i definitely have something to write, but i haven't the time this morning. i probably wont have time until like next week. i have an essay draft to write tonight, plus driving this afternoon. tomorrow is class all day, wednesday is work, thursday is class, friday and saturday are work again. so it will eb sunday, unless i find some time today or wednesday, which i actually might, if i'm not sleeping. yesterday i went home at 6.30 and pretty much just got right into bed, read till around 9, then slept till 7 this morning. it felt really good too. i hate when the weather matches my mood, it makes everything so much worse. it better clear up soon. at least this isn't an angry kind of mood, not a cutting or restricting or b/p mood. it's just grey and dull and lifeless. where i would much prefer being in bed to being anywhere else. this morning i considered not going to school, it's only 2 hours of class, nothing important. but i knew enough to save my days off for winter when it's really yucky out, or days when i'm actually sick. besides, 2 hours of class are something i should do and get over with. not that my mom would let me stay home anyway. i used to eat paper. first off, let's not confuse this with pica, because i didn't crave paper, or eat great amounts of it, or anything else that isn't meant to be eaten. it's just that when i was somewhere between 9 and 11, my summer pretty much consisted of reading for the better part of he day. at first i would be reading and tear off bits of paper from the book, and put it in my mouth just to chew on, and then throw away. but then i wondered what it would be like if i swallowed the paper, so i tried. it felt like swallowing anything else, no big deal, but i kept on doing it. so a lot of the books i read back then have bits missing from the tops or bottoms or corners of pages. i'm going to bet that a lot of my babysitters club books are like this. after awhile i stopped of course, probably when school started, when i realised that i couldn't do this to my school books. so that's just another random weird behaviour that i wanted to write down. and it reminds me of another. in fourth grade during class, i would get pretty bored (of course) so i added another little thing to my list of weird stuff- chewing on my hair. my hair was long enough then so that i could chew on the tips. i didn't end up with messed-up hair or anything either, i pretty much only had it in my mouth. i don't know when i stopped doing that, but i specifically remember doing it in fourth grade, and only during school. so now i'm starting to make connections between all there weird things. they all involve me putting stuff in my mouth. they all either began or happened around the same time (though some of them still happen now, and happened before that). and they all seem to have happened more or only during school, a place where i was especially anxious. because yes, i wasn't just normal-kid nervous about school (and everywhere else), i was social-anxiety nervous. i did overcome that at least, fairly recently actually. i mean, it got a lot better as i got older, but in the past year or so, i've really felt the most comfortable i ever have, going places or meeting people, or even just being with people at all. and i never used to think it was a problem, i thought everyone felt like that. though at the same time, i knew it wasn't quite normal. it isn't normal to not do things because you are afraid of what's going to happen, which is nothing. and i ended up figuring it all out on my own, why i felt afraid and why i shouldn't feel afraid, etc. and now, i'm not afraid. almost. yesterday i was kind of afraid, a tiny little bit. but i knew i didn't need to be, and i didn't want to be, and i also knew it was just because of my mood. so that's kind of why i feel like i can do the same for ana, figure it all out and make it go away. i know this diary has been lacking in ed-related writing of late (well it's been lacking any writing at all really), and i really do have things to say about it. i wonder if i have time right now, i've got about 10 minutes till i have to leave for school. no, it's going to take longer than that. how about this, after school i'm going to practice like i said before, but when i'm done with that, i'm going to write here, then work on my english essay. i'll have enough time for it all, plus hopefully some time with boyfriend, because yesterday was such an un-fun day, and because i want to see him whenever i can. anyway, i should go, and get through my ugly day of wet greyness. i have a feeling that if it doesn't clear up, my blah mood is going to turn into a cutting mood, and that's just not what i want to be feeling. i wish i could either write here for a long long time, or go back to bed, or both. at least i am wearing pajamas, there's no way i'm going to bother getting dressed for a 2-hour day (4 hours really, but still). so, bye, and i'll be back here later. |
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