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/ 6:45 pm / 23 September 2002 / fuck / here's something i am absolutely sure none of you knew or expected. i used to take caffeine pills. not just sometimes. more than that. this was earlier this year. i stopped taking them when i got afraid i was becoming addicted. i honestly had the thought, 'i'm a better person when i'm on caffeine.' that made me stop, as soon as i thought it, and look at what i was doing. the stuff made me feel so sick, and i would still take it because i wanted the energy, the 'high' of it. and i know it sounds silly because everyone is addicted to caffeine these days, but i would take the pills in addition to drinking coffee and tea. because the drinks alone did nothing for me, or they didn't feel like it anyway. i know now that they really did. but i'll get to that in a minute. i would take one or two pills a day, and one was equal to two cups of coffee. so i could have the equivalent of 6 cups in a day sometimes, and i really loved the feeling. it was hard to hide when i was really energetic, but i think i did okay. i liked the feeling more than anything else. but i stopped taking them the day i thought i was a better person with them than without. i'm not stupid. maybe. about a week ago i decided i had to just stop drinking coffee. i've been having it regularly for a really long time, and extra in recent weeks, and it has finally started to take its toll. drinking it really killed my stomach, it's been hurting a lot lately any time i drank coffee, and it's never hurt like that before. i talked to a couple people about it, and we were all unanimous, i needed to just stop. and i have. and it's damn hard. i thought a cup a day did nothing for me, but i was really just used to it. because without it, i feel a lot more tired. the tea i drink now has no caffeine, so i'm getting practically none (i'm not counting chocolate or whatever, and i don't really drink soda). i feel like it's making me gain weight really fast. i eat so much more now, probably not because of lack of coffee, but because of lack of anything else to do. that sounds weird because i'm busy so much of the time, but it's like i just eat whenever i am home. and at work. and at school. coffee killed my appetite to some extent, and i don't have that advantage anymore. i guess it's kind of like giving up smoking? anyway, i still really really want to know the number, but i know how upset i'll be if i find out. so i just have to choose the lesser of two evils. this is getting a little off point. i said i wasn't stupid. then i said maybe. just like the supply of fake sugar i used to have, i also had that supply of pills. and i didn't throw them away when i gave them up. do you see where this is going yet? i found one today. and i took it. because i felt like it would help. today was really really stressful, i did some dumb things while driving, but instead of getting teary like i wanted to, i reached into my bag and took out my little wonder-pill, and took it. and felt better; i really did need the energy boost. but ugh. i know the after affects. and i'm having them now. massive headache. stomach ache. exhaustion. it's so goddamn stupid. and knowing exactly how it would be, i still took the pill. so i'm not complaining about how i feel, because i knew it would happen and didn't care. i realised my silliness though, and looked for any other pills that were hiding in my room, to throw them away. i didn't find any, so i think i'm safe. i am glad that i don't want more. i didn't feel like a better person today. i only felt like a hyper stressed person, whose sad feelings went away very temporarily. i know they'll be back by night, before i go to bed. hopefully i'll be doing something to forget though. so that was my stupidness of the day. soon i have to go shopping for clothes to wear to work. i am afraid. what if i am a different size now? my stuff fits a little different, but hardly at all, but i'm still afraid that i will have radically different numbers tonight. i'm irrational. but i can't deal with a number change right now. i can't look at things higher than 2 yet. it's really hard. today is just a stupid day. other days, i swear to goddess i don't care about numbers at all. today i just feel really fragile though. but i have to go today and get this done with, i don't have any other chance to go out this week. so, to summarize, i'm crashing from caffeine, and i am emotionally fucked around, upset about driving, numbers, schedules, projects, everything i have to do, eating disorders, my mother. everything else. i have to go now. i want sleep. |
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