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/ 11:18 pm / 29 June 2009 / - / last update 50 days ago. idk i don't have anything specific to say. i'm just sitting here on my new macbook that adam surprised me with a couple weeks ago. i totally didn't just watch all of twilight on youtube....... i'm here alone because adam went to our friend's sister's graduation. i could have gone too but i didn't take the day off work, and i fake-asked my sister to cover for me, and then told her to say no so i wouldn't have to go to the party. i know i overthink these things but i just didn't feel like it. i don't really fit in. it's the same as every other thing that goes on that i avoid attending. did i ever mention how i ruined my experience at this same friend's wedding because i was so worried about being ugly that i ended up not having time to put on any makeup or do my hair, so i actually ended up ugly! if i hadn't been imagining that i was sick, worrying about having a panic attack at the reception, and convincing myself that adam didn't love me anymore, i could have put in my contacts and done myself up and not realize halfway through dinner that my fucking face was bare! but i couldn't help it. i've been feeling pretty edgy for the past week too. like on the verge of panic, even though we went out to eat yesterday and i made it all the way through without a scare. i came close to it, but not enough to freak out over. maybe this is happening because i've actually felt decent recently. i've also officially made it up to a size 5 now... i don't know how i feel about that. not bad. i don't care much. i'm glad i bought a couple pairs of pants that fit properly. also, i'm up a cup size. it's amazing to wear a bra that fits right. i'd been wondering for a while whether i should try a different size and it's made all the difference in the world. haha sometimes when i catch my gut in the mirror i think how appalled my former self would be. i don't love it but it isn't the end of the world. i know i should be working out but i just can't be bothered to do it, so whatever. why do i have to be so paranoid about getherings of friends/familiars? i should have just gone to the party today. i could have driven over after work. nothing is ever like it is in my mind, i know that. i don't know what i think will happen... no one is going to ridicule me or anything crazy like that. i'm the same as everyone else. i guess a lot of it is worrying, what if i don't feel well? what if i want to leave too soon? what if... i don't even know! i just always get nervous. it doesn't help that adam and everyone else drink when i don't care to, and the boys play football or other boy things, and i'm left to do what? even our friend's wife, whom i like, can hang with them better than i can. i know she wanted me to be there today so she'd have someone she knew there, but that wasn't enough to make me go. she's very nice and all but i don't really have much to say to her. also i feel like my being there makes it less fun for others, adam in particular. i feel like he's probably better off without me. i have to wonder if i did more things with him, would he be more the way i want him to be? i guess not... i'm not the super affectionate/passionate type but it seems like we don't connect enough. we're not very intimate. and i wonder if that is because of me? i don't want to be embarrassed or reveal all of myself, but how can i open up if i don't know what the reception will be like? no one wants to feel rejected. he is really a much more honest person than i am, and that bothers me. he's honest to the point of saying whatever he thinks, without considering whether it will be hurtful or not. and most of the time it is- not just to me, to everyone. he will tell his mother anything and everything and that's just crazy to me! he doesn't know how to edit himself, where i am probably over-editing. if you can't say something nice... and i was just about to say that i am lonely and i want him to come home (and that every time this happens, he comes home and plays a video game and i go to sleep and it's never the way i wish it would be), but he just called to say he might sleep there. i was expecting that, and i have no problem with it, except that i will still be lonely for him. we never seem to sync up... whenever he wants to do it, i want to sleep, and whenever i want to, he's doing something else. maybe i'm making it seem like we shouldn't even be together, but that isn't so. i just have to complain somewhere. |
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